Manoff takes all the Maraschinos

This time...Bethany's asking the questions!

1. Move the Hacketts to Forks or the Cullens to Nantucket?Either way, comedy gold! Imagine one of the Cheers regulars looking out on the wing and seeing a Cullen! I'd have to say that I'd rather see the Cullens in Nantucket since it would be so strange to see them hanging out glamorously at Helen's lunch counter. 

2. More awkward: The Talented Mr. Ripley or How The Grinch Stole Christmas?First of all: LOLM. Second of all: definitely The Grinch but only because of that terribly awkward Rosie O'Donnell/Molly Shannon interview we both remember that featured the clip, "It needs something else...quick, get the light out of our fridge!"

3. Firthy as Darcy or Firthy as a penguin?Jim Carrey as Lizzie!

4. Better Background Vocals: Janna and Bethany on RESPECT, or Pam Tillis on Islands In The Stream?I'd give it to Pam ONLY because she was singing them while driving away in a van and mouthing to her driver, "Get me the HELL out of here!"

5. Regatta pier or the Titanic Room?Although the reports of young couples reenacting the "Jack, I'm flying!" scene have tripled every year since Titanic came out at the Regatta pier, my heart will go on to the Titanic Room because it only exists in our hearts (of the ocean) now. Why didn't we take pictures?!

6. Shania Twain or Anne Murray?Man! That's a hard decision! But it's Shania by a bare midriff! Let's go, girls!

7. "I carried a watermelon." or "You're wild!!!" ICAW is more classic and needs to be the name of a band or blog now, but I'll root for the underdog and say that the combination of the weird kicking-stake sound effect, the beginning of "Overload" and La Grey's line delivery seals the deal for YW for me!

8. Best excuse: "Her stepmother died." or "I was kicked out of Equity for being in your little play!"They both deserve Regional Wyoming Local Tony Awards (those exist, right?) for their brilliance, but in honor of the much beloved Stepmother Noni Rose, I'd give it to the latter. The situation of a wildly talented actor being kicked out of Equity for deigning to appear in little productions so far beneath them has happened too many times, and I for one applaud anyone brave enough to speak out against it!

9. Dinah Manoff or Lorna Luft?Empty Nests aside, I can't even joke: Manoff takes all the Maraschinos in my eyes!

10. "Pray for Vanna." or "Meg Ryan: Gladiator will dump you!"?At least we know where Gladiator stands on circumcision, so I will say it has always been wonderful advice to pray for Vanna. Especially since she inspired THIS piece of art, which will be one of my solo numbers in our lounge act.

Parfum de Hohete

JONATHAN  That was fun yesterday getting to spotlight some of our readers! Here's a totally random exercise, inspired in great part by me just re-watching the "These have always brought me luck," Elizabeth Taylor White Diamonds commercial. Let's pretend that you have your own perfume. What would it be called? What would it smell like? And what would the commercial be like?

BETHANY  I think it would be called Eau de Sandpiper.  It would smell like a combination of the delicious scents wafting from Helen's lunch counter and the scent of burning rubber as a plane touches down on a runway.  The commercial would be Rebecca Schull in an evening gown, leaning over mysteriously, holding a bottle of Eau de Sandpiper and then simply whispering, "Consider..."  How about you?  Same question.

JONATHAN  "3 am"...featuring hints of matchboxes, evening rain, and Monopoly money flying into the night sky. The kind of cologne your mother would kick out of the house. The commercial would open on a broken promise, then the tears of a woman named Hohete, then a mysterious and judgmental blonde named Anna coolly glaring into the camera. Then, footsteps on the basement stairs, and a single disapproving syllable spoken by an unseen middle-aged figure.

BETHANY  Wow.  I got chills.  That's the kind of cologne the world needs.  It's full of disappointment and broken dreams.  I think the background music should be Janis Joplin's Mercedes Benz.  

JONATHAN  Yes! That would be perfect. And the bottle: the color of freshly bruised arms. Maybe C.D. Cat Lover can get some for her father's birthday?

CONSIDER...

BETHANY  So, Jonathan, I received a letter from one of our loyal readers.  Oprah W. from Chicago (last name concealed to protect reader's identity) asks, "You two are really funny, and you have awesome takes on pop culture and all things Wings, but where do all the jokes come from?"  Good question, Oprah!  I think we should address that today.  Jonathan, we've been friends a long time.  Do you remember if we have always been like this?  Has it developed over the years?  Honestly, it is difficult for me to remember a time when every other word we said to each other wasn't somehow part of an inside joke!

JONATHAN  Although our friendship wasn't immediately filled with inside jokes, I do think they happened pretty fast. As you well know, the first time we met, I was struck by how polite you were while playing cards. When we reconnected in college, I think we made that an inside joke (as well as Naila H. giving us a ride) pretty quickly. I think all these inside jokes come from us having such similar senses of humor and minds so that we pick up on the same things. Either that or it was when the radioactive inside joke spiders bit us. Yes, that was it. While we're rooting around in the mailbag, why don't we answer a few more letters? Here's one from someone named A. DiPesto...but it's all in rhymes...well, the gist is, "What do you have against Cybill Shepherd?"

BETHANY  Thanks for your question, Ms. DiPesto.  Where to even begin...Speaking only for myself, I find Cybill to be just a little less fantastic than she thinks she is.  That's not to say she isn't fantastic because is she ever!  She was so kind to autograph my 1st Edition of Cybill Disobedience, though.  So she does get points for that.  Next letter!  "HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER?!?!  Sincerely, Lexington's Favorite DJ"  I'm not sure I understand.

JONATHAN  Let's hope that Lexington's taste has improved significantly since then! Which brings us to the next one, "I really think we're going to make it. I can't wait to meet your friends! Love, Lisa." Any clue what that's about?

BETHANY  Hmm...no idea.  But she sounds like a sweet girl.  And she sure seems keen on you!  I'd love to know more about her, and I'm sure I'll meet her soon!  Now, moving on to a really nice letter from a girl named C. D. Cat Lover: "Dear Jonathan and Bethany, Tomorrow is my dad's birthday and I have no idea what to get him.  HELP!"

JONATHAN  That's a tricky one! There two schools of thought on this one. You could try some fancy French perfume, a fondue pot, maybe a state-of-the-art CD player, or just settle for a fake seagull glued to a piece of driftwood. But I think you could do better, C.D. Cat Lover. In fact, I don't think you should stop looking until you find the ultimate gift! It might help to take a nice long walk around the building to gather your thoughts, and don't worry how long it takes or how hot it gets--every step brings you closer! Good luck! It feels so wonderful to help someone, doesn't it? Here's one addressed to you: "Dear Bethany, I have a really big soccer game against the rival village this morning. I haven't gotten out of bed yet or tried to move, but I have a great feeling it's going to be an unforgettable day! Any advice? Love, P. Trawick." Any thoughts, friend?

BETHANY  Wow, P.!  Sounds like it is going to be a great day!  I'm sure you will do great in the soccer game.  I'm reminded of the legend of La Llorona.  Have you ever heard of that, P.?  Oh, but what am I doing?  You have a big game to get to!  Jump out of bed and go get 'em, tiger!  And be sure to send us a follow-up, so we know how it went.  Wasn't that nice?  It's going to be a truly special day for that guy.  Okay, Jonathan, see if you can make heads or tails of this one.  It just says "Why?" and is signed The River: Karaoke In The Style of Garth Brooks.

JONATHAN  Hmm...that one is truly a mystery. Let's just file it away in this 10th grade World Civ textbook and forget it ever existed! Oh! Look at this one, in the shiny gold envelope that looks awfully familiar! I feel so official opening it, like my name is Sacheen Littlefeather! Let's see what it says. That's strange. It just says "You're welcome, world. M. Leo." What could that mean?

BETHANY  I'm not sure, but the world DOES feel a little bright now!  Consider... 
Now, THIS one is powerful.  You take this one.  It says, "Dear Ruby Bloggers, I was drawn to your blog because Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town has very special meaning for me.  But I need some advice.  My best friend, his girlfriend Lisa, and I went to an out-of-town Kenny Rogers concert, and on the way home, I was so worried that my friend was going to fall asleep while driving (it was so very late) that I sang Ruby for the entire car ride.  Well, I pulled my mission off successfully and kept him awake (and we're all alive today to show for it!), but for some perplexing reason, he was annoyed by my life-saving techniques!  Can you imagine?  How can I make him see that without my selfless devotion, he and Lisa wouldn't be alive to be the happy family they are today, along with their beautiful little girl, Bob?  Thanks... Sincerely, World's Greatest Friend"  Well, I for one am inspired by the care and concern that obviously exists in this friendship.  How awful to think of what could have happened!

JONATHAN  What a heartwarming and not-in-the-least-ear-splitting story! Let's hope that "World's Greatest Friend" is appreciated for being just that. And if not, maybe someone should buy them a rose! I'm really proud we can help people share their stories and answer their questions. Here's another one: "I've just escaped my bowling trophy! See you both soon! Love, U.I." Do you think we should wait around or go ahead to the all-night mall bowling alley like we planned?

BETHANY  Well, that letter was just silly!  And of course we should still go to the all-night mall bowling alley!  I have a feeling P. Trawick isn't the only one who is going to have a special day!  See you there soon, friend!

Show your work, where applicable!

Here it is folks...what you have all been waiting for!  We got tired of all the e-mails and phone calls begging for a list, so we finally decided to oblige.  (Happy now, Katie Couric??)  So, it's Jonathan's turn to ask Bethany the questions that the world must know the answers to.  As always, Jonathan is blue and Bethany is purple. 

Bethany's Picks

1. Gimme a Break! or A New Brain?  Well, sorry Nell but A New Brain.  Maybe they should combine the two!  Malcolm Gets and Nell Carter belting out, "Gimme a brain, I sure deserve it!"

2. 1984 or 1994?  I'll have to say 1994.  1994 was a big year.  That is the year my family moved to Lexington (which is, of course, where you and I met) and also the year we adopted Sombra the cat who died this past March.  On the other hand...I don't remember a whole lot about 1984.  I mean, I KNOW 1984 but I don't remember it.  They just don't make 'em like the 90's anymore.

3. Chocolate bunnies or Marshmallow Peeps?  Chocolate bunnies.  Peeps make me a littlie uncomfortable.  "Peep.  Peep."  Is that the sound they make as you bite off their head?

4. Coyote Ugly or Dirty Dancing?  While I love Coyote Ugly (if not for the movie itself, for the really forced and awkward Rimes cameo at the end, along with John Goodman/Maria Bello goodness), Dirty Dancing is among my first loves.  In fact, I think we should go to Kellerman's for the summer!  (cue Big Girls Don't Cry) 

5. Gwyneth Paltrow or Blythe Danner?  Gwyneth WHO??

6. Polka music or salamanders?   What I want is salamanders dancing to polka music!  MAKE THAT HAPPEN!

7. Sally Jessy Raphael's glasses or George Washington's wig?  I combine the two in my head and I see Lady Gaga.  I can't possibly choose. 

8. Arbor Day or Sweetest Day?  I don't know about you, but I'm never been given chocolate on Arbor Day.  The prosecution rests.

9. Benji or Free Willy?  Free Willy.  You know what a big fan I am of Helena Bonham Carter's work.

10. Markie Post or Sabrina, The Teenage Witch?  Markie.  Just because I feel good seeing her name on our blog.  Our new assignment...Markie Post's name must be mentioned in every blog entry.  Markie will be Trending soon!

Carbon AND Monoxide?!?!?

JONATHAN  If you could slap any celebrity or famous person with no repercussions, who would you smack, and what would you say right before you did it?

BETHANY  Well, first of all, I love the idea of a world in which that could take place!  You know, I have a serious one that I could throw out there...a disgraced former politician (ha! was that vague enough?).  But I don't know that I want to go all political (although, my reason for wanting to slap this person doesn't have anything to do with their politics).  So I think, instead, I will choose to slap Hall & Oates.  I do realize that they are two people, but if I just slapped Oates, Hall would feel left out.  So, I would slap them both.  And what would I say?  Hmm...  I think I would just simply say, "Hall and Oates?  No can do."  How about you?





What does he mean??



JONATHAN  What do you have against Hall and Oates? Inquiring minds want to know! And wouldn't you be tempted to say, "I can't go for that!"? And when you say "disgraced former politician," the list is only getting longer every day. Although I have enjoyed her more often than not as Aunt Jackie on Roseanne, I would want to smack Laurie Metcalf right after I demanded she never make a goofy face again. Or maybe Candy Spelling. Just because.

BETHANY  As similar as you and I usually are on things like this, in this matter I beg to differ.   If I had to slap a Spelling, I would most definitely choose Randy.  As for Hall and Oates, I was a big "Maneater" fan back in the day.  But pretty much everything else...ugh.  Any artist who writes/performs the lyric "let the carbon and monoxide choke my thoughts away"...no thanks.  It's not the sentiment behind it or anything, I just don't like the word "monoxide" on my radio.  Not very singable.  I think I would say "I can't go for that!" and slap Hall, and then slap Oates.  Then I would start to walk away slowly and dramatically, and then at the last moment turn and look back at them over my shoulder and very deliberately say "No.  Can.  Do." then saunter (yes, saunter!) away as just instrumental of "She's Gone" crescendos in the background.  (FINIS)

I just kept hoping Jonathan
would come close enough
for me to smack him!

JONATHAN  Whoa-oh here she comes!! The Hall and Oates Slapper! Okay, so turn the tables now. What celebrity do you think would want the chance to slap YOU? I would say that if she were still able, Gloria Stuart should smack me a few times for forging her signature in your copy of the autobiography and for mocking her mercilessly even while I kind of liked her.

BETHANY  That is a phenomenal and extremely thought-provoking question!  Come to think of it, you have forged many a celebrity signature, so you may have raw cheeks by the time they are all done with you!  Melanie Griffith probably deserves her chance to slap me.  I've spent an inordinate amount of time badly impersonating her.  And she probably still owes me (and you for that matter!) a slap for the time we climbed over her fence and stole her freshly-delivered milk.  Oh wait, we stole James Spader's milk.  We just walked on Melanie's lawn, right? 

JONATHAN  Ha! Actually, I think Melanie might be entitled to slap you a few times and maybe throw in some pro wrestling moves. How were we supposed to know Melanie was the neighborhood watch in charge of keeping starstruck trespassers off of celebrities' lawns? I think Fran Drescher has earned the opportunity to at least push you down a flight of stairs, and George Clooney probably has the legal right to hit me over the head with a mallet. And, of course, what of "Manic" Mandy Patinkin?!

BETHANY  I owe Mandy NOTHING!  He owes me!  He has done nothing but ignore me for years while I've made him a star.  A star, I tell ya'!

JONATHAN  Then does Rosie O get to pelt you with Koosh balls for at least 30 minutes?

BETHANY  Again?!?

Julia Duffy Dreams

Meredith?  Oprah?  What about me?

BETHANY  So, as you can tell from the look on Helena Bonham Carter's face, we went a little long yesterday!  I would like to be able to guarantee that we won't go that long again, but let's face it...we probably will.  I have to tell you, I am pretty exhausted today.  Why, you may ask?  I was up WAY too late (reading a book? packing lunches for my children? cleaning my house? NO!) watching highlights of Meredith Vieira's tenure on The Today Show.  And that got me thinking about how I have always loved television "events".  I like Meredith, but I haven't watched more than an hour of her on Today (before last night, that is).  So why did I tune in?  Because it was her last show.  It's a little snippet of television history.  I love watching the series finale of a show, even if I have never watched an episode before.  I love the excitement of the event.  (Not NBC's "The Event" - from what I understand, there wasn't a lot of excitement to be had there.)  So, our opening topic for today, my dear friend...talk to me about some of the television events that have stayed with you.



Welcome to television
history, Meredith Vieira.

 JONATHAN  I am choosing not to mention REAL events that were broadcast, but instead to focus on truly important things, like Bob Newhart waking up after his Julia Duffy dreams. Did you watch Meredith's farewell "Don't Stop Believin'" lip dub video? (Sidebar: why do they say lip dub and not lip synch now?) I got a little teary watching it although I never really liked her. What I do like (besides Rusty Martin's Vegas Tours) are "historical" television events! Neither one of us was ever an Oprah watcher, but I was tempted to check out the final episode to see how she'd end it. I think there's something really special about a series finale, when everyone involved has the opportunity to choose how we get to say goodbye, but it's really difficult to get it right. When they do, it can be really emotional. When you just dip into a random rerun, there's little at stake, but the endings make you really think about the passage of time. Goofy but true story: recently I saw the episode of "The Facts of Life" where Jo and Blair graduated. Although the series went on for several years afterward with the same cast, it was surprisingly intense to re-watch it. Despite the dated jokes (While talking about the movie of their lives, they decide Candice Bergen should play Blair and Charles Bronson should play Jo.) it was pretty poignant seeing them graduate and be scared about the future while also being reminded of just how far in the past this event really was. What about you, friend? Have you ever been the same since the town of Evening Shade blew up in the finale?

There's a snake in my coffee!

BETHANY  For the record, I had tears literally streaming down my cheeks as Matt, Al, Ann, and Natalie basically told the world "We loved Meredith in a way we could never have loved Katie!"  No reason for it, and I was crying huge crocodile tears.  This is why you and I are friends.  You know exactly what I mean!  We would be huge failures if we didn't mention the Wings finale.  Remember, Joe and Brian's dad had left them a huge (which I don't think would be much of anything now, $100,000 or something, but then it was going to be enough to buy a new airplane, and a retire to a private island, and buy Helen her own symphony or something) amount of money, and it all came full circle so beautifully.  The money was even upstairs in the same airport locker (that is interesting...considering their dad was dead before the pilot, and presumably was still dead for the finale!) that the canned snakes or whatever had been in during the pilot episode (wasn't every episode of Wings a pilot episode, really?) when Brian and Joe had been brought back together to find out what their dad had left them.  But in that pilot episode, after a scavenger hunt all over New England, they ended up with a photo of the two of them when they were kids (with Helen in the water swimming in the background...mistaken by Brian as a whale!) and on the back their dad had written "You're rich." meaning of course, they had each other.  And they had each other for the next 8 seasons, until the finale, when the very same thing almost drove them apart!!  Remember?  Anyone?  REMEMBER?!?

Why not?!

JONATHAN  That mini Wings recap was very moving too, although as touching as it was, it didn't have the same power of Meredith awkwardly dancing with Abe Vigoda. (WHY?) Of course, I will always love the fact that "Viera" was the perfect password clue. When I was driving in to work today, Ryan Seacrest was interviewing Ann Curry and she was talking about how getting the anchor spot meant so much to her because she knew her recently dead parents would have been proud, and it made me like her more. What do you think happened to Joe after the finale? Helen was undoubtedly an enormous success as the new cello superstar, but what did he do now that he wasn't going to be a pilot anymore? Do you think Casey and Brian eventually left the airport, too? That brings up an interesting subject: what do you think happened AFTER the finales for some of your fave movies/TV etc.?

BETHANY  Well, we know (if you had been paying attention!) that Joe and Helen only went to Vienna ("The one in Germany?" Gotta love that Roy!) for one year.  After that...hmm.  Well, one thing I have always had an issue with: if Helen got a great job with some symphony is Boston or New York or whatever, why would that really be so tough?  Couldn't she commute?  They live in Nantucket and her husband is a pilot with his own airplane.  So I think she got all trained up in Vienna and then when they came back she met Lilith Crane on the flight (wasn't Lilith a musician?) and Lilith got her connected and Helen joined a symphony in Boston.  All problems solved!  And Brian was so tired of Casey by that time (I know I would be!) that he stuffed her in the locker upstairs, which was a great hiding place, because apparently it is only rented by dead people.  I think we should go ahead and talk about the 800 lb. young Helen Chappell in the room...the worst finale of all time...Caroline In The City.

Merry Christmas, From The Minnelli/Luft Family

JONATHAN  I was too busy booking a room at White Christmas HOTEL to notice all the details, like major plot points! And while I fully admit that Casey was most definitely a character they just sort of shoehorned into the series, Amy Yasbeck is delightful and deserves better than being stuffed in the upstairs locker! Although realistically, I have a feeling she was pretty careless about running the lunch counter and probably accidentally killed a string of people with food poisoning before they hauled her off to jail. What about Alex the helicopter pilot? Shouldn't they have mentioned her again? Or do you think she was piloting Ron Silver's helicopter that went into the volcano on Veronica's Closet? What do you mean Caroline in the City had the worst finale ever? I, for one, was shocked when the man at the altar with Caroline was revealed to be Pat Morita's video store clerk. "Unexpected romantic comedy twist...very funny movie!" And the way that Cathy Guisewite swept in and stole Richard right from under Caroline's nose, along with her comic strip? Dazzling! Oh, and who  was plumper: young Helen Chappell or young Monica Gellar?

BETHANY  Best finale of all time?  In all seriousness I would say Newhart.  Dallas was pretty creepy.  Remember Joel Grey as the devil?  Jennifer Grey should have been on that episode, and gone up to everyone and said, "Oh, that other Sue Ellen?  No, you were just dreaming!  I'M Sue Ellen!  What's that?  Pam?  Nope.  No Pam.  ALL a dream!  Charlene Tilton??  NIGHTMARE!"

The Movie Ruiner



The most fun workplace on the planet!



JONATHAN  Wings has gotten mentioned a lot already on this amazing site, and Elizabeth Hasselbeck mentioned it was her favorite aspect of our blog today on "The View." I was wondering why you like that show so much? I can think of two main reasons why I do: 1) it reminds me of happy younger memories of watching it and 2) because the cast and premise were so likable, it's a nice fantasy world I would like to "live" in. Sometimes it's fun to imagine what it would be like to escape into the Wings version of Nantucket, where everything was charming and fun and had the world's classiest theme song. I'd like to really get to know Helen and Joe and the gang, and the airport seemed like a really fun place to work. Tell me more what you love about Wings and also other pop cultural "worlds" you would like to get to explore if you could "Last Action Hero magic ticket" your way into the screen?

BETHANY  You know, philosophers have been debating that question for years: Why is Wings in the heart of so many?  I can't speak for the human race in general, but for me it is a lot like what you said.  I love it because my family watched it so regularly and I remember certain episodes being watched repeatedly after they were taped on VHS!  And it seems like it was kind of an "adult" show, and I don't know if I was really supposed to be watching it or not!  Then, of course, there is the Tim Daly factor.  I want to remember that the Hackett brothers debate was the original Team Edward/Team Jacob.  Don't you remember everyone screaming "Team Brian!" "Team Joe!" back and forth at Wings midnight viewing parties?  I was, and am,

totally Team Joe.  Oh, and then remember the "Team Lowell" joke shirts, kind of like the "Team Victoria" and such Twilight stuff?  Ahh...those were the days!  I have so much more that I could write about Wings, but I guess we don't want to use up all of our good material on day 2 of the blog!  As for other pop cultural "worlds" I would explore,  there are so many!  Of course, another guilty pleasure that you and I share is our love for Caroline In The City.  That was TRUE Must See TV that never got the credit or Emmy Awards that it was due.  I would explore that world a bit.  Mainly, I just think it would be fun to jump in with a mild innuendo-laced one-liner, and see all of their reactions because, as you know, I know that show so well that I could tell you EXACTLY what their reactions would be.  Now the real question, mah frand...at this point do you think people reading this think we are a little nutty?  Because I know that if they think we are even 10% as funny as WE think we are, this blog is going to be a hit!  But seriously, we have so many inside jokes...do you think anyone can follow?  I would like to think that it will be kind of like Harry Potter.  I think it will be like Harry Potter in MANY ways of course, but I am referring to the fact that when you start reading or watching Harry Potter, it is like JK Rowling has created her own language and you have no idea what any of it means.  But before long, you can't remember a time when "muggle" wasn't a part of your vocabulary.



The usual has never been so special.

JONATHAN  What's a muggle? Just kidding! It's funny to think about Wings being an "adult" show since I'm sure the naughtiest zinger out of Faye's lips wouldn't make a toddler blink today. Maybe that's also part of the charm, since it's a time capsule of a different, more innocent era, an era where Dr. Frasier Crane might be seated on the Sandpiper Air flight next to you. Would you want to live in the Twilight universe? I am not sure that I would, since to really enjoy it (or to suffer glamorously), you would need to be a werewolf/vampire/Kristen Stewart. There's not really much room for non-vampire thirtysomethings in that world other than to serve or order a vegetable plate. ("The usual, Steph?") Plus, if you are human there's always the chance to be eaten by vampires or slashed by domestic abusing werewolves. I wouldn't want to live in the Star Wars universe either or really in many of those giant blockbustery things. But something about how low-key Wings was (and Caroline, too) is very charming to me. How does Suddenly Susan fit in there? I feel a lot of affection for it now even if I didn't really race home to see it back then. Would you want to live in the Harry Potter world? Of all the ones we've talked about, that one might be the most fun, especially since everyone gets to use magic and doesn't necessarily get zapped by Helena Bonham Carter. Of course, if you had to be a Muggle in that universe, that would be really unfair. What would Aunt Petunia say?

BETHANY  I would only want to live in Twilight world long enough to go up to Jacob and Edward and ask them what is really so wonderful about Bella Swan.  The books...okay, Bella's okay.  Much better than "One Expression" Stewart.  But still, even then...REALLY?  All the mortals in all the world, and you only want her?  I mean, really?  And yet...I love it.  I would love to cameo in a Twilight movie though.  Stephy inspired me.  I think Stephy should be in all of the movies eating a vegetable plate.  And then, the final moment of Breaking Dawn, they flash to Stephy, now in her glorious vampire state, as the Volturi all shout out in unison, "Nice fishing, Stephy!" and Stephy shouts out, "But I'm a vegetarian!"  Okay.  That was dumb.  But it makes me giggle.  I wouldn't want to live in Harry Potter world.  Unless it was innocent, sweet, non-Voldemort early Harry Potter world.  THAT would be fun.  But nowadays, lots of people die!  Meesa don't want to get killed by Dame Helena.  Maybe I could be her muggle friend who gives her a makeover and convinces her to be the good girl that she really is deep down!  Better yet, let Stephy play that role!  Oh, the horror on Jo's face when Stephy lets a Gringotts Bank coin roll off the table, and bounce off of her shoe, and into her perfectly cupped hands.  Then she would look at the camera, wink, and say "Twilight, y'all!"  (Fade To Black) 

JONATHAN  Brilliant!! The apple/Gringotts Bank coin scene is the best!! Or maybe instead of a coin, it could be Jo's head? And I must say that I love Kristen Stewart and think she's a fantastic actress. I repeat: A FANTASTIC ACTRESS! I do wish that Michael Jackson could have lived long enough to play the Michael Sheen part. Imagine how eerie his giggle would have been when confronting the Cullens! And Harry Potter would've been better if it had been a buddy comedy between Dame Helena and you as her wisecracking muggle friend! When I saw Free Willy I wanted to be that kid and get to work at an aquarium and hang out with a killer whale. (Didn't Helena do the voice of it? "No, I won't jump, dearie!") I wanted Short Circuit's Johnny 5 to be real, and same with the adventures The Goonies went on. Would you want to stay at the "White Christmas" hotel and see your beloved Vera-Ellen in person? 

Do I look like a hotel to you?!?

BETHANY  Okay, you may have found my ultimate "Last Action Hero magic ticket" dream!  I would totally stay at the "White Christmas" inn!  (I'll ignore the fact that you called it a hotel, like some simpleton.)  But you know me and my need for ever-increasing drama.  So, knowing what I know about what happens and the characters and all, I would totally take advantage of the situation when Betty moves to New York.  "Bob, Betty never understood you!"  That sort of thing.  And then no one would ever chase after Betty, and I'd feel bad, because I love Betty too.  Hmm.  That's a tricky one.  So maybe I would just have to stay out of it.  Or maybe I would let Betty come back, and then I would sneak into Bob's Santa bag at the end, and replace the completely beautiful and symbolic gift from Betty with a Chia Pet or something.  What additional role would you play in Dirty Dancing?  (I have to take one brief moment here and comment on our completely random use of quotation marks.  I want our readers to know that we do know when they should be used and when they shouldn't, but I have noticed that it has always been the case in our written communication to each other that sometimes we use them and sometimes we don't.  We are aware of it and we accept it.)  I think I would be someone who always ran around saying, "It wasn't the old couple!!  Johnny stole the wallet!"

Your little dancing boy will
fry I tell you!  FRY!

JONATHAN  I AM a simpleton! Hotel, y'all! I LOVE that idea!! I could also see you telling the main four characters, I'm sorry, but you have been replaced by a new act: The Turner Family Smile-A-Palooza! It would be fun to be The Movie Ruiner, a random character who pops up in every movie to ruin it. Like coming up to the Houseman family at the beginning: "Dr. H, you will treat someone for a botched abortion, Lisa, you will sing off-key and will be sexually harassed by Robbie, Mrs. H, you will be forgotten and replaced and Baby--get ready to carry a watermelon!" It would have been really great, too, if after Johnny was exonerated from stealing the wallet, Mrs. H had set down her napkin and quietly announced to the table, "I'm pregnant. And it's Johnny's." Maybe after the credits? What do you think happened after the movie ended to the characters? Did Baby and Johnny keep in touch? I was just thinking about another fantasy world that might be fun to live in: Oz. Although the only non-Munchkin humans in the movie were all living in the Emerald City, but that could have been fun, right? Remember that sexy lady who randomly brought her cat to the balloon launch that Toto jumps out of the basket to chase? What was her story?

BETHANY  Is this the longest blog entry in history? 

This blog entry is
going a bit long, folks!

I think you have just discovered the way to earn your way to stardom: "The Sexy Cat Lady of Oz" will take the world by storm (HA HA!  That should be your tag line!) in a way that Wicked wishes it could have.  Although, I have to say, I have no memory of a sexy lady.  Are you messing with me?  Was it just Auntie Em off to her bridge club?  And I love the idea of The Movie Ruiner!  In The Sound of Music, in the moment when the Captain and the Baroness are ending things, and the Baroness is saving the little bit of dignity she has left with her "I need someone who needs me desperately.  Or at least needs my money desperately!" The Movie Ruiner would come along and say, "Oh, pity.  (disapproving tongue click sound)   I wish I had known that before I drew up this marriage certificate.  Or didn't you know that in Salzburg, getting hit in the stomach with a ball while playing a game with seven children in a garden means you are married??"





Sexy Cat Lady From Oz

Coming Soon To A Theater Near You

JONATHAN  Yes, some random lady brought her cat to see the balloon take off, and I think it jumps out of her hands and Toto chases it. Did she get her cat back?! Also, The Sound of Music needs a "20 Years Later" ending scene where the Von Trapps are living in poverty and miserable when The Baroness rides by on a bejeweled coach and the kids are like, "Come back!! We love you!!" chasing it. After shrugging his shoulders at Maria, Captain Von Trapp does the same thing.





Destined to Fail

Bethany reacts to the deliciousness that
is tortillas and chile that she and Jonathan
made themselves at Santa Fe Cooking School!

BETHANY  Welcome to the very first installment of Ruby...Don't Take Your Blog To Town.  I'm Bethany, and the other one you're going to hear from momentarily is my best friend Jonathan.  We are successful adults working very adult (not in a bad way!) jobs, hundreds of miles from each other.  We first met when we lived in the same city, more than a thousand miles from where we each live now.  That was high school...a lifetime ago.  Now there are relationships and bosses and kids and bills...  But there are a lot of things that haven't really changed at all.  And that's a lot of what we will blog about.  At least, I think so.  We're not really sure.  The thing is, we've started a great many projects together over the years.  While we have had a lot of success with some of them (not really...I'm just trying to make us feel better), more often than not, we fizzle out.  We're idea people, I guess you could say.  Jonathan, why is it in YOUR opinion that none of our projects have lead to great success?  Could it be because we haven't finished any of them?  Because, if so, I don't really think that's a fair thing for the world to hold against us.

Jonathan reacts to the deliciousness that
is tortillas and chile that he and Bethany
made themselves at Santa Fe Cooking School!

JONATHAN  Maybe the world just wasn't ready for our...unique...talents? I don't know. If only James Cameron had made us stars, then I might have an answer for you, but I am not sure. We have both created things that were actually completed, but somehow when we try to collaborate, it never comes completely together. But we are both determined to stay on this particular project, and I think we might be able to turn our luck around. Because as much fun as it is to have a handful of ideas and beginnings, it's even better to see them fleshed out all the way. So here we go, thanks in great part to your endless energy and ambition. So tell me, dear Bethany, why will we keep going with this blog and not just give up and never speak of it again like so many other attempts? 

BETHANY  Oh let's face it!  We won't!  It's going to fail just like so many endeavors before it.  No...I refuse to accept that.  It WILL succeed.  And do you know what the difference is?  The difference is we're getting older and starting to forget things, so we both realize that we need to record them, or they will be gone forever.  So this one will stick.  Unless of course our agent finally sells our "Wings" fan fiction to a reputable publishing house!  Then we will have bigger fish to fry!