The Movie Ruiner



The most fun workplace on the planet!



JONATHAN  Wings has gotten mentioned a lot already on this amazing site, and Elizabeth Hasselbeck mentioned it was her favorite aspect of our blog today on "The View." I was wondering why you like that show so much? I can think of two main reasons why I do: 1) it reminds me of happy younger memories of watching it and 2) because the cast and premise were so likable, it's a nice fantasy world I would like to "live" in. Sometimes it's fun to imagine what it would be like to escape into the Wings version of Nantucket, where everything was charming and fun and had the world's classiest theme song. I'd like to really get to know Helen and Joe and the gang, and the airport seemed like a really fun place to work. Tell me more what you love about Wings and also other pop cultural "worlds" you would like to get to explore if you could "Last Action Hero magic ticket" your way into the screen?

BETHANY  You know, philosophers have been debating that question for years: Why is Wings in the heart of so many?  I can't speak for the human race in general, but for me it is a lot like what you said.  I love it because my family watched it so regularly and I remember certain episodes being watched repeatedly after they were taped on VHS!  And it seems like it was kind of an "adult" show, and I don't know if I was really supposed to be watching it or not!  Then, of course, there is the Tim Daly factor.  I want to remember that the Hackett brothers debate was the original Team Edward/Team Jacob.  Don't you remember everyone screaming "Team Brian!" "Team Joe!" back and forth at Wings midnight viewing parties?  I was, and am,

totally Team Joe.  Oh, and then remember the "Team Lowell" joke shirts, kind of like the "Team Victoria" and such Twilight stuff?  Ahh...those were the days!  I have so much more that I could write about Wings, but I guess we don't want to use up all of our good material on day 2 of the blog!  As for other pop cultural "worlds" I would explore,  there are so many!  Of course, another guilty pleasure that you and I share is our love for Caroline In The City.  That was TRUE Must See TV that never got the credit or Emmy Awards that it was due.  I would explore that world a bit.  Mainly, I just think it would be fun to jump in with a mild innuendo-laced one-liner, and see all of their reactions because, as you know, I know that show so well that I could tell you EXACTLY what their reactions would be.  Now the real question, mah frand...at this point do you think people reading this think we are a little nutty?  Because I know that if they think we are even 10% as funny as WE think we are, this blog is going to be a hit!  But seriously, we have so many inside jokes...do you think anyone can follow?  I would like to think that it will be kind of like Harry Potter.  I think it will be like Harry Potter in MANY ways of course, but I am referring to the fact that when you start reading or watching Harry Potter, it is like JK Rowling has created her own language and you have no idea what any of it means.  But before long, you can't remember a time when "muggle" wasn't a part of your vocabulary.



The usual has never been so special.

JONATHAN  What's a muggle? Just kidding! It's funny to think about Wings being an "adult" show since I'm sure the naughtiest zinger out of Faye's lips wouldn't make a toddler blink today. Maybe that's also part of the charm, since it's a time capsule of a different, more innocent era, an era where Dr. Frasier Crane might be seated on the Sandpiper Air flight next to you. Would you want to live in the Twilight universe? I am not sure that I would, since to really enjoy it (or to suffer glamorously), you would need to be a werewolf/vampire/Kristen Stewart. There's not really much room for non-vampire thirtysomethings in that world other than to serve or order a vegetable plate. ("The usual, Steph?") Plus, if you are human there's always the chance to be eaten by vampires or slashed by domestic abusing werewolves. I wouldn't want to live in the Star Wars universe either or really in many of those giant blockbustery things. But something about how low-key Wings was (and Caroline, too) is very charming to me. How does Suddenly Susan fit in there? I feel a lot of affection for it now even if I didn't really race home to see it back then. Would you want to live in the Harry Potter world? Of all the ones we've talked about, that one might be the most fun, especially since everyone gets to use magic and doesn't necessarily get zapped by Helena Bonham Carter. Of course, if you had to be a Muggle in that universe, that would be really unfair. What would Aunt Petunia say?

BETHANY  I would only want to live in Twilight world long enough to go up to Jacob and Edward and ask them what is really so wonderful about Bella Swan.  The books...okay, Bella's okay.  Much better than "One Expression" Stewart.  But still, even then...REALLY?  All the mortals in all the world, and you only want her?  I mean, really?  And yet...I love it.  I would love to cameo in a Twilight movie though.  Stephy inspired me.  I think Stephy should be in all of the movies eating a vegetable plate.  And then, the final moment of Breaking Dawn, they flash to Stephy, now in her glorious vampire state, as the Volturi all shout out in unison, "Nice fishing, Stephy!" and Stephy shouts out, "But I'm a vegetarian!"  Okay.  That was dumb.  But it makes me giggle.  I wouldn't want to live in Harry Potter world.  Unless it was innocent, sweet, non-Voldemort early Harry Potter world.  THAT would be fun.  But nowadays, lots of people die!  Meesa don't want to get killed by Dame Helena.  Maybe I could be her muggle friend who gives her a makeover and convinces her to be the good girl that she really is deep down!  Better yet, let Stephy play that role!  Oh, the horror on Jo's face when Stephy lets a Gringotts Bank coin roll off the table, and bounce off of her shoe, and into her perfectly cupped hands.  Then she would look at the camera, wink, and say "Twilight, y'all!"  (Fade To Black) 

JONATHAN  Brilliant!! The apple/Gringotts Bank coin scene is the best!! Or maybe instead of a coin, it could be Jo's head? And I must say that I love Kristen Stewart and think she's a fantastic actress. I repeat: A FANTASTIC ACTRESS! I do wish that Michael Jackson could have lived long enough to play the Michael Sheen part. Imagine how eerie his giggle would have been when confronting the Cullens! And Harry Potter would've been better if it had been a buddy comedy between Dame Helena and you as her wisecracking muggle friend! When I saw Free Willy I wanted to be that kid and get to work at an aquarium and hang out with a killer whale. (Didn't Helena do the voice of it? "No, I won't jump, dearie!") I wanted Short Circuit's Johnny 5 to be real, and same with the adventures The Goonies went on. Would you want to stay at the "White Christmas" hotel and see your beloved Vera-Ellen in person? 

Do I look like a hotel to you?!?

BETHANY  Okay, you may have found my ultimate "Last Action Hero magic ticket" dream!  I would totally stay at the "White Christmas" inn!  (I'll ignore the fact that you called it a hotel, like some simpleton.)  But you know me and my need for ever-increasing drama.  So, knowing what I know about what happens and the characters and all, I would totally take advantage of the situation when Betty moves to New York.  "Bob, Betty never understood you!"  That sort of thing.  And then no one would ever chase after Betty, and I'd feel bad, because I love Betty too.  Hmm.  That's a tricky one.  So maybe I would just have to stay out of it.  Or maybe I would let Betty come back, and then I would sneak into Bob's Santa bag at the end, and replace the completely beautiful and symbolic gift from Betty with a Chia Pet or something.  What additional role would you play in Dirty Dancing?  (I have to take one brief moment here and comment on our completely random use of quotation marks.  I want our readers to know that we do know when they should be used and when they shouldn't, but I have noticed that it has always been the case in our written communication to each other that sometimes we use them and sometimes we don't.  We are aware of it and we accept it.)  I think I would be someone who always ran around saying, "It wasn't the old couple!!  Johnny stole the wallet!"

Your little dancing boy will
fry I tell you!  FRY!

JONATHAN  I AM a simpleton! Hotel, y'all! I LOVE that idea!! I could also see you telling the main four characters, I'm sorry, but you have been replaced by a new act: The Turner Family Smile-A-Palooza! It would be fun to be The Movie Ruiner, a random character who pops up in every movie to ruin it. Like coming up to the Houseman family at the beginning: "Dr. H, you will treat someone for a botched abortion, Lisa, you will sing off-key and will be sexually harassed by Robbie, Mrs. H, you will be forgotten and replaced and Baby--get ready to carry a watermelon!" It would have been really great, too, if after Johnny was exonerated from stealing the wallet, Mrs. H had set down her napkin and quietly announced to the table, "I'm pregnant. And it's Johnny's." Maybe after the credits? What do you think happened after the movie ended to the characters? Did Baby and Johnny keep in touch? I was just thinking about another fantasy world that might be fun to live in: Oz. Although the only non-Munchkin humans in the movie were all living in the Emerald City, but that could have been fun, right? Remember that sexy lady who randomly brought her cat to the balloon launch that Toto jumps out of the basket to chase? What was her story?

BETHANY  Is this the longest blog entry in history? 

This blog entry is
going a bit long, folks!

I think you have just discovered the way to earn your way to stardom: "The Sexy Cat Lady of Oz" will take the world by storm (HA HA!  That should be your tag line!) in a way that Wicked wishes it could have.  Although, I have to say, I have no memory of a sexy lady.  Are you messing with me?  Was it just Auntie Em off to her bridge club?  And I love the idea of The Movie Ruiner!  In The Sound of Music, in the moment when the Captain and the Baroness are ending things, and the Baroness is saving the little bit of dignity she has left with her "I need someone who needs me desperately.  Or at least needs my money desperately!" The Movie Ruiner would come along and say, "Oh, pity.  (disapproving tongue click sound)   I wish I had known that before I drew up this marriage certificate.  Or didn't you know that in Salzburg, getting hit in the stomach with a ball while playing a game with seven children in a garden means you are married??"





Sexy Cat Lady From Oz

Coming Soon To A Theater Near You

JONATHAN  Yes, some random lady brought her cat to see the balloon take off, and I think it jumps out of her hands and Toto chases it. Did she get her cat back?! Also, The Sound of Music needs a "20 Years Later" ending scene where the Von Trapps are living in poverty and miserable when The Baroness rides by on a bejeweled coach and the kids are like, "Come back!! We love you!!" chasing it. After shrugging his shoulders at Maria, Captain Von Trapp does the same thing.