Carbon AND Monoxide?!?!?

JONATHAN  If you could slap any celebrity or famous person with no repercussions, who would you smack, and what would you say right before you did it?

BETHANY  Well, first of all, I love the idea of a world in which that could take place!  You know, I have a serious one that I could throw out there...a disgraced former politician (ha! was that vague enough?).  But I don't know that I want to go all political (although, my reason for wanting to slap this person doesn't have anything to do with their politics).  So I think, instead, I will choose to slap Hall & Oates.  I do realize that they are two people, but if I just slapped Oates, Hall would feel left out.  So, I would slap them both.  And what would I say?  Hmm...  I think I would just simply say, "Hall and Oates?  No can do."  How about you?





What does he mean??



JONATHAN  What do you have against Hall and Oates? Inquiring minds want to know! And wouldn't you be tempted to say, "I can't go for that!"? And when you say "disgraced former politician," the list is only getting longer every day. Although I have enjoyed her more often than not as Aunt Jackie on Roseanne, I would want to smack Laurie Metcalf right after I demanded she never make a goofy face again. Or maybe Candy Spelling. Just because.

BETHANY  As similar as you and I usually are on things like this, in this matter I beg to differ.   If I had to slap a Spelling, I would most definitely choose Randy.  As for Hall and Oates, I was a big "Maneater" fan back in the day.  But pretty much everything else...ugh.  Any artist who writes/performs the lyric "let the carbon and monoxide choke my thoughts away"...no thanks.  It's not the sentiment behind it or anything, I just don't like the word "monoxide" on my radio.  Not very singable.  I think I would say "I can't go for that!" and slap Hall, and then slap Oates.  Then I would start to walk away slowly and dramatically, and then at the last moment turn and look back at them over my shoulder and very deliberately say "No.  Can.  Do." then saunter (yes, saunter!) away as just instrumental of "She's Gone" crescendos in the background.  (FINIS)

I just kept hoping Jonathan
would come close enough
for me to smack him!

JONATHAN  Whoa-oh here she comes!! The Hall and Oates Slapper! Okay, so turn the tables now. What celebrity do you think would want the chance to slap YOU? I would say that if she were still able, Gloria Stuart should smack me a few times for forging her signature in your copy of the autobiography and for mocking her mercilessly even while I kind of liked her.

BETHANY  That is a phenomenal and extremely thought-provoking question!  Come to think of it, you have forged many a celebrity signature, so you may have raw cheeks by the time they are all done with you!  Melanie Griffith probably deserves her chance to slap me.  I've spent an inordinate amount of time badly impersonating her.  And she probably still owes me (and you for that matter!) a slap for the time we climbed over her fence and stole her freshly-delivered milk.  Oh wait, we stole James Spader's milk.  We just walked on Melanie's lawn, right? 

JONATHAN  Ha! Actually, I think Melanie might be entitled to slap you a few times and maybe throw in some pro wrestling moves. How were we supposed to know Melanie was the neighborhood watch in charge of keeping starstruck trespassers off of celebrities' lawns? I think Fran Drescher has earned the opportunity to at least push you down a flight of stairs, and George Clooney probably has the legal right to hit me over the head with a mallet. And, of course, what of "Manic" Mandy Patinkin?!

BETHANY  I owe Mandy NOTHING!  He owes me!  He has done nothing but ignore me for years while I've made him a star.  A star, I tell ya'!

JONATHAN  Then does Rosie O get to pelt you with Koosh balls for at least 30 minutes?

BETHANY  Again?!?